WhatisthisIdon'teven...

Alive

As I wake up and lay here, alone in my bed

I can’t help but wish, I would’ve stayed dead.

Because I’m still here, and you’re fucking far

I wish I could’ve woken up right where you are.

I’d tell you how I felt, but it’d sound like a fable

Besides you don’t want to see me, can’t say I blame ya

I’m just an asshole not some guardian angel

I wish I wasn’t broken, that I could abstain

But I felt like someone else needed to feel the same

And I fucked it all up, I pushed you too hard

Now you’re moving on, while I’m getting scarred

As both of my fists become friends with the wall

While I pace across my room and try not to call

Because I’m worried you don’t give a fuck at all

Still I wish you were here, and as I lay back down

The tears fill my face, but not enough let me drown

But the words left unsaid, are lodged in my throat

And capable of making sure I’m still able to choke

Thinking about thoughts, that I can’t just let loose

Forever and for always, it’s like I love the abuse

And what used to be my life-line, is now just a noose

I wish we could talk, but I can’t call you dear

So now where we are right now, is no longer clear

And it’s driving me crazy, I’ve lost all control

Blinded by anger I hope I hit a fucking poll

Put my face through the mirror, end this damn drive

With a shard sharp enough to cut out my eyes

Because I still want to see you and it’s eating my alive

This One’s Not Happy

You took your part in the taking apart of my heart

Imparted your mark through the graphic art

Of mistreating the fleeting beating of this broken heart.

On your guilt trip, with such sweet soft-lips,

You promised that you “Never really wanted it to end like this”

But the truth is, the truth is always more ruthless

I’d rather reminisce and realize the bliss found in the lies

Commandeering my hearing, endearingly puppeteering

This heart, held hostage in the hole of my soul

Extoling the paroxysms beyond all control

Heady, unsteady, all-consuming emotional eddy

Evoking choking and with no jetty for coping I’m dead already

So please… just line up your lips, aim true and clear,

Point both barrels straight at my ear

Whisper that’ll you’ll miss me, kiss me, and dismiss me,

Tell me you love me again,

But this time with a grin,

Your accent mark as I embark to the dark.

Day by Day

Day by day

starting to find

no room left

inside my mind

body withering

little by little

slowly consumed

athirst the middle

monthly days

yearly weeks

historic lows

inverted peaks

flavorless eyes

people inquire

forever questioned

answer: I’m tired

couples go by

I want to jest

pathetic love

chest to breast

missing the feeling

bleakly depressed

receding rhythm

inside my chest

fading until

a shoestring catch

time to rebuild

starting from scratch

begin to joke

start to smile

first real warmth

in quite a while

voracious pounding

pushing the stitches

so much fervor

it kind of itches

heart reminiscent

of the Grinch

three sizes grown

starting to pinch

moving on

heart allayed

taking it all

day by day

Hey

Hey, you, Beautiful,

You can call me Giver.

I’d give my right leg to walk with you,

Segue all the way from here to there

As I give you my ear,

To listen to every one of your hopes, dreams, and fears.

Forgive me if I can’t forestall

The incoming, inevitable free fall.

Take two, tongue tied, I’ll make do

Reminded that love’s not meant to be run through.

And you can give away those bandaids,

I don’t need them at all.

Every cut, scratch, and scrape

Reminds me how hard I’ve fallen

For you.

If you insist on giving too,

Help me stand,

The only thing I’ll ask of you

Is your hand.

Backwards

I think you understand

I hate you

Never could I honestly say

I love you

You already know that

It’s such a pain

To tell you goodbye

I wish I never had

To go and say hello

It’s good we moved

I’m positive

Everything’s futile

I’ll never believe

It’s a huge loss

When you go

It’s a huge loss

I’ll never believe

Everything’s futile

I’m positive

It’s good we moved

To go and say hello

I wish I never had

To tell you goodbye

It’s such a pain

You already know that

I love you

Never could I honestly say

I hate you

I think you understand

Fairytale

I’m more amateur than artist,

So twiterpated I’m not sure what to do,

But it’s easy to be creative

When I’m around you.

So with an armfull of our pieces

And a mouth full of glue,

I‘ll spit words onto paper,

And do my best to construe

The rest of this fairytale.

Because once upon a month ago

I tumbled down the rabbit hole.

Heart as high as the beanstalk grows,

Lost with you over the rainbow.

For it only took a single kiss

To turn a frog into a prince.

Who made it his one sole duty,

To give a kiss to sleeping beauty.

Now my heart has become a house,

Without you here it feels alone,

So click your heels together

And say there’s no place like home.

Or your breadcrumbs I’ll follow

Down the yellow brick road,

Where I’ll stop to thank your ex’s,

For letting you go.

And I’ll smile as big as the Cheshire cat

As the Huns pop out like daisies.

And I’ll fight to fit the slipper to your foot,

For faint heart never won fair lady.

Because you’re the dream I wished for upon a star,

For a dream is a wish your heart makes.

I promise to love you to the moon and back,

For forever and for always.

And if it feels like all the king’s horses,

And all the king’s men,

Will find themselves unable

To put you back together again.

If your sky falls down

I’ll always catch you,

As long as you remember,

Me… I’m pretty good with glue.

The Story

No offense, but I don’t think you’re ever going to figure this out unless it get’s laid out for you in plain English.

Early ‘11 -  Juliene breaks up with Zach, takes it hard, becomes friends with Tennessee.

Kyle breaks up with Vikki, takes it hard, becomes better friends with Juliene.

Apr - One month after the breakup Juliene and Tennessee are fuck buddies…

Juliene writes, “Is it stupid that I feel so beautiful right now, in a KsE shirt and jeans? I just wish someone could see me and confirm my beliefs.” Kyle, slightly intoxicated, responds with balls of steel, confirming Juliene’s beliefs.  He states his interest in her, but at the same time awknowledges the situation and tells her he doesn’t want to ruin anything.  Juliene claims there’s nothing there besides the physical.

Kyle contemplate making an actual move.  Decides to continue to silently read Juliene’s blog as he’s done for as long as he’s been friends with her.  

Apr ends with “I had another dream about you last night. I woke up in tears because you changed your mind about the whole thing and I got a hug. I really really fucking miss you. Regardless of the things I do with other people.”

Kyle realizes Juliene is still hurt.  He wants Juliene to be ready to move on before he makes a movie.  

Early Mar - Juliene and Kyle have a movie night and throw a rave for themselves in the theatre.  Become much closer.  It takes all the will in his body for Kyle not to say something.  Continues to watch from the sidelines even though it’s apparent that Juliene’s jealous mind is turning a physical relationship into a mental one.

One week later - Juliene takes the pictures of Zach off of her wall.  Says goodbye.  Kyle finally makes his move.  Juliene finds it unexpected.  

A few days later - Juliene posts, “I turned out liking you a lot more than I originally planned.”  Kyle is smart, he realizes it isn’t about him, but Juliene refuses to admit who it’s about.  Understands that Tennessee doesn’t feel the same way about Juliene as she does of him.  Kyle plans a move and waits.  He brings the post up in conversation while eating with Juliene and Tennessee.  Juliene shows post to Tennessee.  Without emotion he asks Kyle, “So it is about you or me?” …even at that moment Juliene is unable to realize how little Tennessee actually cares.

Tennessee realizes that Kyle might actually be able to pull this off.  He doesn’t want to lose his sex toy.  Having just discovered Juliene’s tumblr yesterday ‘Anonymously’ attacks her.  ”I ask you this Why are you so afraid to be alone? Grow a pair.” Followed by, “No. I don’t give a fuck about your casted illusion you want the world to see. Now, why are you afraid to be alone? Not physically.” Hint fucking hint.  To this day Juliene still doesn’t understand who the ‘anonymous’ person was.  

End Mar - Juliene continues fucking Tennessee, slowly realizing her thoughts are more like delusions.  She writes, “another booty call, another day under you, another day pretending it doesn’t hurt.  I’m pretty sure I have more feelings for you than I want to.”  

Kyle and Juliene go to Izzy’s party together.  There they become blazed out of their minds.  Even so, they manage to spend most of the night acting like awkward highschoolers unable to do something.  Juliene writes, “everytime I see you I plan on making a move, but I’m terrible at doing so.”

Kyle takes Juliene walking around campus.  They end up sitting in front of the outdoor theatre.  Kyle rubs Juliene back as innocently as possible, idiotically ignoring all previous signs.  It begins to rain.  Seriously, it began to rain.  Movies couldn’t time that shit better.  Kyle and Juliene retreat under the outstretch of the theatre.  They spend the rest of the night taking turns holding each other.  To use Juliene’s words, “Spending the night in the rain with you was actually amazing. And one of the most romantic nights of my life, just saying. Even though we were both wet and cold, it was nice to be held like that again. I wonder where this is going…….”

5AM - Kyle tries to pluck up the courage to ask Juliene to stay when she suddenly suggests they go back to her room.  They strip down to shorts and t shirts and crawl into bed.  As Kyle rolls towards her, Juliene cuddles herself perfectly into his nook.  Juliene quickly falls asleep with his arm around her.  He spends the next half hour lying there, smiling as quietly as possible so as not to disturb her.  In the middle of the night she rolls over, half awake. Kyle kisses her on the forhead.  She falls asleep with a smile on her face.

Begin Jun - Juliene writes, “My bed feels so empty… ugh. How did it only take a week to fall? I guess that’s longer than my others. This has been the best/longer week ever. On a more sappy note: You’re more like me than I ever realized. We’re both touchy feely, we’re both shy, god i could keep going for a long time. I can’t believe I fell for someone who drinks, is older than me, a muscle builder, but also fucking hilarious, sweet, and very open. Basically I feel like we’re yin and yang. Not to be cliche or anything…. =P” 

Juliene and Kyle - It’s complicated on facebook.  Kyle returns home for the rest of the summer.  Juliene stays on campus living one door down from and working daily with Tennessee.

Tennessee realizes he’s quickly losing control of the situation.  He decides to confess his ‘feelings’.  ”Why the fuck do you have to pull this now, huh? If you fucking told me this 3 weeks ago I would have been all over it. But not anymore, you missed your chance. You could have had me hook, line and sinker. Why do you have to wait until I’m unavailable to do this? Fuck. Even if you asked me now, I would still do it. My heart belongs to kyle, my body to you.  Fuck this. “I’m taking my time, I’m just moving along. You’ll forget about me after I’ve been gone.” I’ll never forget about you. I’ll never ever say this to your face, but I love you. You hurt me more than I’ve been hurt in a long time yesterday. And I realized that it’s unhealthy for me to be attracted to you. Nothing will change our friendship and a friendship is what it will stay until you disappear in to the world. I guess this is goodbye. Yours Truly, Juliene.”  Juliene, being naive, doesn’t even realize that Tennessee just jacked lines from the song Foreplay by Boston.  

Kyle and Juliene end up in a relationship.

“Anonymous” HINT IT’S NOT REALLY ANONYMOUS IT’S TENNEFUCKINGSEE HINT comes back to write on Juliene’s tumblr. “I see you are still afraid to be alone. You get attached to anyone that even talks to you. Basically, it looks like you’re a whore. What a waste of life..”

As we learned early, Juliene is still unable to understand that ‘anonymous’ was Tennessee.  As such, she continues trying to be friends, but Tennessee becomes distant.  Spends next two weeks listening to Tennessee be a complete and utter douchebag.  More so than he already was, if that’s possible.  Cries.  Alot.  Guess who’s there to be the shoulder to cry on?  Kyle.

Mid June - Tennessee tells Juliene he loves her. “I was right. ohmygod. What do I do now?” Juliene admits half a year later she considered dumping me…sorry…Kyle for Tennessee.  

Juliene starts posting ‘missed love’ and ‘what if’ type material.  I…Kyle questions her about it.  Says it has nothing to do with Tennessee.  She then sets up a private password protected blog…

You wonder why I became so distant when I find out you decided to continue talking to him after he moved five states away?  How it continued even after I explained to you how much it kills me inside?  You wonder why I have trust issues?  You wonder why I’m as hurt as I am?  It seems pretty obvious to me.  I don’t ever want to have to explain this again.  It takes me back to the lies, the heartache, the wondering if your going to trade me for him in the middle of the night.  It’s not worth it.  If you can’t figure it out I’m done.  I only have to be here for the next three months.  The only reason I was planning on staying was you.  If you can’t decide whether I’m worth it or not, well, “I’m taking my time, I’m just moving along. You’ll forget about me after I’ve been gone.”

Drunken story time

I was supposed to finish my rough draft by midnight.  I didn’t feel like it so I added filler section to get to the required length incase he checks.  It’s only for peer review anyway.  Whats the worst that could happen?  Anyway, without further ado,

DISSCUSSION

Something something importance something.  I’m on my way to buy doughnuts, duck tape, and doughnut holes and I just can’t be bothered to finish this paper right now  Instead, I’m going to fill this section with an old drinking story.

So this one time I had been drinking.  Probably too much.  Otherwise I probably wouldn’t have this story.  My friend Garey, who most definitely should not have been behind the wheels of a motor vehicle dropped me off in my yard.  I say yard for the fact that he had forgotten which side of the tree my driveway was on which lead to him jumping the curb and driving onto said yard.  I swore at him…  Actually I more like slurred at him.  Not because he was in the yard, but because when he jumped the curb I thought he had ran over some type of small animal. 

Following this I stumbled across the yard and into the garage where by some miracle of rate I was able to secure our spare key after knocking over only a bag of miracle grow and the recycling bin.  Entering the house in the most ninjay of fashions I heard my mother call, “Kyle?” “Yes?” I replied unsurely.  Confused as to whether or not the mess I had become could under any circumstances be considered myself.  Luckily she followed with, “Feed the dog before you go to bed.”  Challenge accepted.  “Yes?” I even more confusedly replied.  I walked over to Pickle’s (canis lupus familiaris {dog}) feeding area to find that by some wizardry his food bowl had magiced its way full.  My enthusiasm was short lived, ending as I then discovered *le gasp* his water bowl was empty.  No dog of mine will go thirsty I thought as I assumed what in certain circles could be considered a superhero pose.  With only a moderate amount of disorientation I manage to procure the bowl and make way to the sink, or as I remember referring to it as, the oasis of dog life.  After splashing about and remembering times past at Splash Mountain I  gingerly carried the life essence back to its friend, the food bowl. 

At this point what is typically described as shit, went down.  As I began the bowl’s descent I saw a small amount of water splash out of the bowl.  This cannot be, I thought, Pickle requires this sustenance!  I quickly lunged down after the drops.  This would be my downfall.  While my body moved downward the chair, obey accepted the currently accepted laws of nature, remained in place.  That is, until it was dislodged when smacked by the eye of myself.

I awoke in a still drunken haze later that day to my mothers questioning and Pickle’s look of shame and disapproval.  Arms crossed and scowling she inquired, “What the hell are you doing?” “You shouldn’t make people feed the dog when they’re tired,” I explained after spitting out a small amount of kibble.  “And what’s wrong with your eye?” she continued.  I managed to exclaim, “Rule number one of Fight Club is we’re not supposed to talk about Fight Club.  Wait, shit, now I’ve mentioned it.  Don’t tell anyone.” as I made a shh motion towards her before passing back out.